Des Pardes


In China - an Indian hair dressing saloon

Spotted in New Market Footwear Store

Eating ice-cream is injurious to health

Close to Tangra, Calcutta.

From Priya courtesy Reader's Digest

pic: jasmeen patheja

Bombay

The Boylston Street Marshalls, Boston.

Marari (yes, that IS the name) Beach Resort near Alleppey. No television (on Wimbledon weekend). No room service.

And in the restaurant a half-mile from the cottage, a menu that offers "Pan-Fried Aborigines".

Figures.

Wall-ad for sexual therapy, Bombay
Courtesy, Philip Widmann

WANK-IN-INTERVIEW

Slimes Of India
yesterday
Bangalore edition

Courtesy, the ever-entertaining Oracell B.

Roasty Tasty
Namkeens enriched with goodness


Product of India
Guilt Free Namkeen

Is guilt-free="Product of India" or "enriched with goodness"?

R. K. Khara
Consultant Sexologist.

Seen by Sue on her way back to Calcutta from Mukut Manipur.
She has witnesses.

Thoda kum pee meri rani,
Bohot mehenga hai Iraq ka paani.

At the back of a Delhi auto.
Courtsy: the budding jounalist, Bedatri Datta.

Suk mi thong

(seen on a menu card at Golden Dragon restaurant, Cochin)

From IndianPad. Link through GreatBong.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Khozem F Sahiwala.

Do not miss:

I really aware and visualize in TV and radio about on going struggle and efforts againts this HIV.... Prostitution, raping, kidnapping, smooching, romance in open air, etc makes the people more erotic which subjects later on sex.

In this day, people buy the products which directly relates to orgasm and erotic.... Valentine is only the attraction and attachment of the youth age and body relaions and sex and attachment.

There are heavy shows conducted for males and every year there is a Mr India or Mr world.... Sharukh Khan appeared in a bath Tub of Lux Advertisement, many anti-persperient spray with only male role models are seen with half nude bare chest and sometimes an erotics scenes also with females.

The animal name is Lady monkey. That Lady monkey use to do glamour and puts on heavy make ups during her dating with the males. It is really a laughing joke where she puts on the heavy dresses and sits in front of the mirror putting the dark lipstiks and talcum powder.... One subject of news was related to a person who was GAY and his wife openly agreed and suite a file against him that he is GAY and no longer to be remain as a husband for her.

Link through Aishwarya and Jabberwock.

The hungry turkey. Ahem!

This door does not function properly. If you are planning to use it, make someone stand outside so that she or he can open it afterwards. the door has a tendency to get stuck. People have been stuck inside in the past.

Helpful sign on the door of the women's toilets, affectionately termed La Loo, at Jadavpur University Department of English.

Money loss is no loss, luv loss is no loss, cherektar loss is all loss.

(Pearl of wisdom painted on the back of a tin-bus)

The Chowranghee Medical Stores

(Name of a medical supplies shop at Hazra, many kilometres from Chowranghi)

What went wrong between you and Yuvraj Singh?

...

It's not that I want to hide something; it's like wearing a revealing outfit. You are fine when it's decent, but you tend to cover it up when it looks a bit obscene.

I don't want to reveal facts that would make me look obscene. I mean I will be exposing a bit too much, if I talk beyond this. I have given explanations to people whom it was owed to, and I don't think that I need to talk about it any further. I love gossip, but I don't want to be the feeder for gossip-starved people.

(Kim Sharma)

from IndiaFM, courtesy of Sabrina

Jackie: Fez, I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.
Eric: Wait, wait, this isn't the time you bought a hamster, named it virginity and then lost it?

- That 70's Show, Ep. Whole Lotta Love (around 1:30 min)

O thou of noble-birth, meditate upon thine own tutelary deity. -- [Here the deity's name is to be mentioned by the reader.] Do not be distracted. Earnestly concentrate thy mind upon thy tutelary deity. Meditate upon him as if he were the reflection of the moon in water, apparent yet in-existent [in itself]. Meditate upon him as if he were a being with a physical body.O nobly-born, whatever fear and terror may come to thee in the Chonyid Bardo, forget not these words; and, bearing their meaning at heart, go forwards: in them lieth the vital secret of recognition.By thus being set face to face, however weak the mental faculties may be, there is no doubt of one's gaining Liberation. Yet, though so often set face to face, there are classes of men who, having created much bad karma, or having failed in observance of vows, or, their lot [for higher development] being altogether lacking, prove unable to recognize: their obscurations and evil karma from covetousness and miserliness produce awe of the sounds and radiances, and they flee. [If one be of these classes], then, on the Fourth Day, the Bhagavan Amitabha and his attendant deities, together with the light-path from the Preta-loka, proceeding from miserliness and attachment, will come to receive one simultaneously

-- spam in my inbox

Read.

--Link via Greatbong

Photo credit: Jabberwock. From here.

- Defaced poster, seen in Queens, New York

- seen in the library building of Northwestern University, Chicago

-Badge at a recruitment fair
- seen in Chicago

THE GAME IS HERE
Keep Distance

- on the back of a rickshaw
seen in Bombay, Oct '07

At Burrabazar

On the rear of a bus. In front of Rabindra Sadan

Just outside Howrah station

Buffy Jowan

Purchased on the Kharagpur local (8:58 AM from Howrah)

Update: Says at the bottom Nokol hoite sabdhan ('Beware of fakes')

"Rest Assured"

- company tag on toilet seat covers pack

seen in Newport News, Virginia

I Lowe My India.

Looking real Realll Beautiful..... I hope so i could see more of this Ravishing beauty... Hopee :)

--In an email, via Orkut.

The young men will embrace each other all night.

--Harsha Bhogle, on members of the Indian cricket squad after the Twenty20 World Cup Final.

Art by Botero and amused human...seen in the cente of Milan :)

Person I: Eituku bujhey ney, taholei dekhbi perey jaabi.

Person II: Bujhley toh paarbo, kintu bujhtey ki paarbo?

-Presidency College folklore. Apparently.
Since somone asked, this's from the Geology dept. Ask no further questions and you'll be told no more lies.

2D IS BUSY TO BE 3D

Username on Orkut

Be-Bonnie

Name of a ladies' beauty parlour (from a hoarding at 8B bus stand)

UG Arts building, Jadavpur University, Kolkata

Click to enlarge.

On my Orkut scrapbook. What does it mean?

I was born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

-- T-shirt on young man near Jadavpur Police Station, Kolkata

This. Just in case you missed. Just in case.

"At a job interview our friend S....d was asked about his political leanings- whether he was far right, left of center or what? His reply: Up front!"

- seen here.

With Penis Enlarge Patch you can catch fish with your penis.

In my spam folder.

What has nine arms and rocks?

-- over lunch, today

(Def Leppard apparently, and I honestly didn't fucking know this till this afternoon)

Put your pants down here for best results

- seen at a cleaning store

Murray Ave., Pittsburgh

Better pickups, better tuners, better frets, better fret job, better wood, better paint job, better bridge, better elctronics, better assembly, better case, better resale value, better get the American Strat!

- Betty Botter bought some butter??

(seen here)

"hybrid Aliens wanted"

-- Subject of email sent to mailing list including yours truly. For elucidation, click here.

Click on image to enlarge.

On my Orkut scrapbook.

"Real lust is the desire to eat the flesh of the one you love."

Somewhere along Hazra Road. Credit: Bhooter Raja

Hurry in but don't speed.

- State Farm Auto Insurance deal promo

(seen in Pittsburgh)

stones on a pavement outside a graveyard. inverness, scotland.

Fashion Po(0)lish

When I grow up I want to be a metro.

seen on a Calcutta tram
B.B.D Bag-Shyambazar route

CHINGLISH



Originally from here.

From here

The one above and more here



From here

Many more here.

Read this post for links to more Chinglish Magic. Thanks to Yeon-ok for pointing these out :)

Hm.....

unknown souce.. from picture on Orkut

"Hello, I'm a monkfish"
-- Seattle, WA (picture courtesy J. Prasad)

Seen on Freeskool Street , Calcutta .

ORGASM

Imported

(t-shirt message*, seen in the Calcutta metro)

*Wearer flaunted five astrological rings, three religious lockets on two thick chains and one each of a red and black thread around her wrists. Just saying.

Terrifying on many levels.

Deconstruction

Eleven individuals in the Indian cricket team.

Eleven individuals.

Eleven.

Individual.

In-di-aaah!

Seen off Brigade Road,Blore.

...Finally, Bengalis have arrived! My dream is to see a Bengali playing Bond - asking for a Vodka Martini, wearing Dhuti on a Bijoya Dasami afternoon as someone has hidden a nuclear bomb inside the Asur's gut. Not exactly there yet, but good progress.

-- okay, another one from the same source

telling you peepul, this guy rocks...maaney, total effing types:)

Guru-r Kripai Aishwarya-labh!

- cheeky ad supposedly sighted at the Book Fair

(Source here).

Come darkness and the city's [Calcutta] pavements are flooded with prostitutes and pimps. An indication perhaps, of the average Bengali mentality? Or the cruel aftermath of an extended rule of the Left?

(Seen here)

Be Life Confident.

[in a sqiggly blue letters]

Catchline for Bharati AXC Insurances
(seen all over the Calcutta metro-stations)

Couldn't resist speading this one. The Bheatles bit cracked me up totally...

> A is for Apish (Office). This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arriveat 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around afew files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5. It's a hard life!

> > B is for Bhijon. (As in teli-bhijon) For some reason most of the Bengalis don't have good bhijon. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show in the city!

> > C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying 'go to bed, or Chappell will come and take you away.'

> > D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.

> > E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's counting eeesh andother eeesh-ish words).

> > F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fishmarket has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theeesh!'

> > G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name likeDebashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your goodname.

> > H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

> > I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

> > J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly thesame!

> > K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

> > L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

> > M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 racedrivers.

> > N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

> > O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

> > P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

> > Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

> > R is for Robi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize.This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches andwalk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai!

> > S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he isborn with a semi-monkey cap on.

> > T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

> > U is for Ambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

> > V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

> > W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

> > X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully litup.

> > Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

> > Z is for Jeebra, Joo, Jip and Jylophone.

swadesi hardware: house of sanitary pleasure
- 8B bus stand

Nymph Food

Name of stationary shop selling icecream on the side.
Deshapriya Park.

Dick's Last Resort

-(Sign outside a building in Chicago)

OBGARB THE TRAFICK RULS

- On an auto plying the Golpark-Garia route in Calcutta.

quite a common medical issue in Malaysia apparently :P

For the unitiated "Gand" in Hindi = Bottom

from a picture on Orkut - courtesy Abhishek Chatterjee

- The infatuation of the arse.

Wall Street, NYC

Count, Duke, Lord, Prince, and, er..."Pres"

- among the list of prefixes in offing on the American Eagle

online booking site's payment section

Out of Order.

Try Abstinence.

(Seen on a condom vending machine in Rockford, Illinois)

Legalize Mariju(a)na

- a rather pithy "About me"

(source - Orkut)

I really don't know where to start
but I definitely know you've captured my heart,
It started that night you called me up,
to see if I'd play in the Starlight Cup
Way back then, little did we know,
That our love for one another could grow and grow,
A text message or two is what kept us in touch
And I want you to know that I love you so much

It wasn't'til late in 2004
That I received another phone call
When we decided to meet,
we went up the street for something to eat,
From that day on I've been by your side
And look at me now,
I am here as your bride!
I used to wish upon a star
that I'd meet the perfect husband
- and here you are!

You're an inspiration to so many including me,
Anyone who's ever met you can count
themselves lucky,
I'm so lucky I've found the one,
Being with you I have nothing but fun,
You are my best friend and my dream come true
And I'm so glad to be sharing all this with you

This is only the start of our dream together,
But I promise to love you until forever
I can't wait to start my life with you,
Just being together, our dreams will come true
I have no doubt I'm glad to be your wife,
And being with me is now a part of your life
I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!

We're about to experience the miracle of life,
but always remember I'm so proud to be your wife,
Having a family with you makes me so glad,
I know I'll never get sad,
Thanks so much for choosing me,
By sticking together we'll make a great family

Engaged and then married and now one on the way,
I'll take such good care of you every day,
It's safe to say I'll love you more and more
And marrying you today, I couldn't be more sure.
Rebecca Hewitt! I'm your wife!
I promise you one thing, stick with me and you'll have a bloody good life!

(Rebecca Cartwright's poem celebrating her union with Leyton Hewitt)

"BE ADEQUITE"

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altman's wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches. If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could.

Robert Altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.
He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.
Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.
When we shouldn't.....

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book)

– Everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on. – Altman

Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.
God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

Lindsay Lohan

(Lindsay Lohan's statement on the death of Robert Altman)
(originally published here)

Preetam Beauty Bar

- Name of a men's salon in Jadavpur.

Within the adult industry, it's no secret porn stars use supplements to make them cum more.

Along with numerous stars that use our production, thousands of men all over the world have increased their sperm volume with our formula.

If you've ever wanted to cum like a porn star, < <> > will get you there!

(We are endorsed by Davy D', renowned in the porn industry for the amount he ejaculates! this is all thanks to < <> >)

- Spam in my Yahoo inbox

Corrections and clarifications


Saturday November 18, 2006
The Guardian

Barbara Cartland was mistakenly included in our catalogue of inspiring women (and in the accompanying illustration) for having fought for decent pensions (From lesbian vets to Donatella Versace, page 14, G2, yesterday). We meant Barbara Castle, the former Labour cabinet minister and MP for Blackburn who later became Baroness Castle, and who campaigned on pensions and equal pay until her death at the age of 91 in 2002. She was, fortunately, celebrated in a subsequent contribution in the same piece. Barbara Cartland was famous for her romantic novels, which she wrote until her 90s, and her signature pink outfits.

Curious George.

Captain Shocked!

From "Jeffrey Stylos"
Subject: Jhumpa Lahiri tonight at the Carnegie Music Hall (Oakland), 7:30pm
Date Mon, November 20, 2006 2:31 pm

Just so you know, Jhumpa Lahiri is giving a talk at tonight. She wrote Interpreter of Maladies and The Namesake. She's also the hottest author to win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in the past ten years.

You can get student tickets for $8 at the Carnegie Library or buy 'em at the door. If they sell out you can usually buy the tickets of people who don't show up if you're willing to wait.
~Jeff

- source self-explanatory

Old Rummy's one finger salute to Dubya on his way out -

- found on random browsing

IRAQ.
Arabic for
VIETNAM.

-- on the passenger door of a pickup truck on I-880, California

Noon 2 Moon.

Name of a travel agency on Landsdowne Road, Calcutta.

Britain’s middle classes are in the grip of a new madness...

...normally sensible, well-educated parents are resorting to increasingly insane measures to outdo other families and give their offspring the edge.

From mothers who secretly train at home for the grown-ups’ egg-and-spoon race on school sports day, to those who follow the school bus on its trip to France in case any harm might come to their offspring, parents are taking it to the extreme...

-- seen here

They obviously don't know squat of what Bong parents are capable of though.

Sign in almost all Hong Kong buses:

"It is an offence in law for a passenger to talk to a driver".

And you thought segregation was finished.

...

Intikhab rubbished speculations that the panel was unfairly harsher on Akhtar than Asif. "If people read our statement they will understand," Intikhab asserted. "He [Shoaib] drinks alcohol, has an active sex life and he's been part of anti-doping awareness programmes. Shoaib has been around for the last ten years and the written statement that his spokesman gave about him taking dietary supplements and not consulting a doctor, shows he was negligent."

On Asif he said: "We decided to ban him for a year because his English is not that good, he comes from a remote village where he would not have been educated on the dangers of drugs in sport and so he doesn't understand."

...

-(Report on Cricinfo)

One lofth free inside
With Lux Inter Body Lotion 250 ml

- Poster listing currently available "free offers",
Juhu department store

Oh good. I've always wanted to own a lofth. Now if someone can tell me what a lofth is.

On the other hand, I don't want this Lux Inter Body Lotion. Take it off my hands, please? One jipkew free inside.

:-D

(seen in Pittsburgh)

SCREAM CONTEST!
Dial 129010
& scream howzzzzzat!!!

TATA indicom
Do More Live More

Charges Rs 6/- per minute

- Entire text of ad on front page of DNA, Oct 31

So let me make sure I've understood this. I can dial a number on my phone, then scream at whoever or whatever answers, and I'll only be charged Rs 6 per minute for the privilege?

Cheap at the price! Excuse me while I dial, won't you?

FOREIGN LIQUOR ON SHOP

- Name of a liquor store in Bolpur.

"sitar..... trippy..... but very kewl "

- seen here

*aghast look*

Dude: ...cocktail - cock aar tail.
Dude (seeing a member of the opposite sex visibly started at the shondhi bicchedh) clarifies further: Na na, oi cock noy, this is hen/cock, oi cock.

- heard at the Durga Puja festivites today, Monroeville, PA

Baby Bank. Deposit your babies here and watch them grow with interest.

-- Ad in Salt Lake, Kolkata, for a creche/playschool.

I love Mr Bimsen can u pliss gime bimsen?

-- Request for classical music recordings sent to Shri A. Singh. Author's identity will not be disclosed for obvious reasons.

Long live rock'n'roll!!

(Seen in a driveway in Palo Alto, California.
If you're a girl and you own this car, will you marry me?)

Rickshaw!

(Apologies if this is old hat).

Impeach Bush

- written on the arse of the "Pink Pig" balloon, subsequently taken around the whole pavilion and finally let go. Seen at Roger Waters' DSOTM concert.

that leh thing again