Friday, December 29, 2006

Count, Duke, Lord, Prince, and, er..."Pres"

- among the list of prefixes in offing on the American Eagle
online booking site's payment section

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Out of Order.

Try Abstinence.

(Seen on a condom vending machine in Rockford, Illinois)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Legalize Mariju(a)na

- a rather pithy "About me"
(source - Orkut)

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I really don't know where to start
but I definitely know you've captured my heart,
It started that night you called me up,
to see if I'd play in the Starlight Cup
Way back then, little did we know,
That our love for one another could grow and grow,
A text message or two is what kept us in touch
And I want you to know that I love you so much

It wasn't'til late in 2004
That I received another phone call
When we decided to meet,
we went up the street for something to eat,
From that day on I've been by your side
And look at me now,
I am here as your bride!
I used to wish upon a star
that I'd meet the perfect husband
- and here you are!

You're an inspiration to so many including me,
Anyone who's ever met you can count
themselves lucky,
I'm so lucky I've found the one,
Being with you I have nothing but fun,
You are my best friend and my dream come true
And I'm so glad to be sharing all this with you

This is only the start of our dream together,
But I promise to love you until forever
I can't wait to start my life with you,
Just being together, our dreams will come true
I have no doubt I'm glad to be your wife,
And being with me is now a part of your life
I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!

We're about to experience the miracle of life,
but always remember I'm so proud to be your wife,
Having a family with you makes me so glad,
I know I'll never get sad,
Thanks so much for choosing me,
By sticking together we'll make a great family

Engaged and then married and now one on the way,
I'll take such good care of you every day,
It's safe to say I'll love you more and more
And marrying you today, I couldn't be more sure.
Rebecca Hewitt! I'm your wife!
I promise you one thing, stick with me and you'll have a bloody good life!


(Rebecca Cartwright's poem celebrating her union with Leyton Hewitt)

"BE ADEQUITE"

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altman's wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches. If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could.

Robert Altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.
He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.
Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.
When we shouldn't.....

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book)

– Everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on. – Altman

Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.
God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

Lindsay Lohan

(Lindsay Lohan's statement on the death of Robert Altman)
(originally published here)

Monday, November 27, 2006

Preetam Beauty Bar

- Name of a men's salon in Jadavpur.
Within the adult industry, it's no secret porn stars use supplements to make them cum more.

Along with numerous stars that use our production, thousands of men all over the world have increased their sperm volume with our formula.

If you've ever wanted to cum like a porn star, < <> > will get you there!

(We are endorsed by Davy D', renowned in the porn industry for the amount he ejaculates! this is all thanks to < <> >)

- Spam in my Yahoo inbox
Corrections and clarifications


Saturday November 18, 2006
The Guardian

Barbara Cartland was mistakenly included in our catalogue of inspiring women (and in the accompanying illustration) for having fought for decent pensions (From lesbian vets to Donatella Versace, page 14, G2, yesterday). We meant Barbara Castle, the former Labour cabinet minister and MP for Blackburn who later became Baroness Castle, and who campaigned on pensions and equal pay until her death at the age of 91 in 2002. She was, fortunately, celebrated in a subsequent contribution in the same piece. Barbara Cartland was famous for her romantic novels, which she wrote until her 90s, and her signature pink outfits.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

From "Jeffrey Stylos"
Subject: Jhumpa Lahiri tonight at the Carnegie Music Hall (Oakland), 7:30pm
Date Mon, November 20, 2006 2:31 pm

Just so you know, Jhumpa Lahiri is giving a talk at tonight. She wrote Interpreter of Maladies and The Namesake. She's also the hottest author to win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in the past ten years.

You can get student tickets for $8 at the Carnegie Library or buy 'em at the door. If they sell out you can usually buy the tickets of people who don't show up if you're willing to wait.
~Jeff


- source self-explanatory

Friday, November 17, 2006

Old Rummy's one finger salute to Dubya on his way out -



- found on random browsing

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

IRAQ.
Arabic for
VIETNAM.

-- on the passenger door of a pickup truck on I-880, California

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Noon 2 Moon.

Name of a travel agency on Landsdowne Road, Calcutta.

Britain’s middle classes are in the grip of a new madness...

...normally sensible, well-educated parents are resorting to increasingly insane measures to outdo other families and give their offspring the edge.

From mothers who secretly train at home for the grown-ups’ egg-and-spoon race on school sports day, to those who follow the school bus on its trip to France in case any harm might come to their offspring, parents are taking it to the extreme...

-- seen here
They obviously don't know squat of what Bong parents are capable of though.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Sign in almost all Hong Kong buses:

"It is an offence in law for a passenger to talk to a driver".

And you thought segregation was finished.
...

Intikhab rubbished speculations that the panel was unfairly harsher on Akhtar than Asif. "If people read our statement they will understand," Intikhab asserted. "He [Shoaib] drinks alcohol, has an active sex life and he's been part of anti-doping awareness programmes. Shoaib has been around for the last ten years and the written statement that his spokesman gave about him taking dietary supplements and not consulting a doctor, shows he was negligent."

On Asif he said: "We decided to ban him for a year because his English is not that good, he comes from a remote village where he would not have been educated on the dangers of drugs in sport and so he doesn't understand."

...

-(Report on Cricinfo)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

One lofth free inside
With Lux Inter Body Lotion 250 ml

- Poster listing currently available "free offers",
Juhu department store

Oh good. I've always wanted to own a lofth. Now if someone can tell me what a lofth is.

On the other hand, I don't want this Lux Inter Body Lotion. Take it off my hands, please? One jipkew free inside.


:-D
(seen in Pittsburgh)

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

SCREAM CONTEST!
Dial 129010
& scream howzzzzzat!!!

TATA indicom
Do More Live More

Charges Rs 6/- per minute

- Entire text of ad on front page of DNA, Oct 31

So let me make sure I've understood this. I can dial a number on my phone, then scream at whoever or whatever answers, and I'll only be charged Rs 6 per minute for the privilege?

Cheap at the price! Excuse me while I dial, won't you?

Sunday, October 29, 2006

FOREIGN LIQUOR ON SHOP

- Name of a liquor store in Bolpur.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Dude: ...cocktail - cock aar tail.
Dude (seeing a member of the opposite sex visibly started at the shondhi bicchedh) clarifies further: Na na, oi cock noy, this is hen/cock, oi cock.

- heard at the Durga Puja festivites today, Monroeville, PA

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Baby Bank. Deposit your babies here and watch them grow with interest.

-- Ad in Salt Lake, Kolkata, for a creche/playschool.
I love Mr Bimsen can u pliss gime bimsen?

-- Request for classical music recordings sent to Shri A. Singh. Author's identity will not be disclosed for obvious reasons.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Monday, September 25, 2006

Impeach Bush

- written on the arse of the "Pink Pig" balloon, subsequently taken around the whole pavilion and finally let go. Seen at Roger Waters' DSOTM concert.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

    Yahan peshab karna mana hai. Yahan peshab karne wala andha va darinda, kusht rogi hota hai aur papi hai.

    [Trans: It is forbidden to pee here. The guy who pees here is blind and good-for-nothing, leprous and a sinner.]
- Prominent sign on a sea-facing wall between Banganga and Raj Bhavan, Bombay

Saturday, September 09, 2006

pictures don't lie

roadsigns from Leh





grrf...




and finally...


pics courtesy abhi over at the Still in Transit blog, currently posting from a motorcycle journey across Leh, Srinagar... and who-knows-where-else. Much fun!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Although I'm a Christian myself but I've a great amount of respect for your religion [Buddhism].

- George W. Bush on his visit to Budapest
(heard on a Jay Leno show rerun the other night)
...me and my baby in '69


- the last line in "Summer of '69" as he sings it
(lyrics everywhere read otherwise though)
...He had an incredible sexual appetite and would often sleep with three or four girls in the same night...had a great choice (Many times he told me casually about the times he'd be with four women in one big bed)...

...
He went as he would have wanted: stoned in bed with a beautiful girl and without any pain...

...
one of the most frightening things to happen to me was an incident concerning this chick...were asleep in the bed one morning and the first thing I remember was looking up and seeing this white guitar coming at me....I don't know how long this continued but the girl finally stormed out of the room with the guitar that she was supposed to have bought for him. After that little exhibition was over, he had to figure out some way to get his guitar back because that was the only one he had at that time, and he could hardly afford to buy one...got in touch with her and with some smooth-talking managed to persuade her to bring the guitar back, but her conditions were that he had to get rid of me. And so he told her he would so that she'd bring it back. Then he told me to wait in the lobby so she wouldn't see me when she came to return the guitar...he told me afterwards that he'd to make love to her to quiet her down and pacify her...


-- on the sexual exploits of the late great Mr. Jimi Hendrix
as told by his former girlfriend Kathy Etchingham

Friday, August 25, 2006

Ek chhobolei chhobi.

-(ad for Mithunda's latest Bengali flick, Abhimanyu - Morte Na, Maarte Esechhe)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Muscular Bhavan aasche, Muscular...

-(as the bus approaches Max Mueller Bhavan on Ballygunge Circular Road, Kolkata)
Testicle, testicle...

-(cry by bus conductors as the bus approaches the Indian Statistical Institute on B.T. Road, Kolkata)
Leeches with Ice-cream.

-(Menu item at very posh Northwest-Frontier restaurant on Chowringhee)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

    UCI is organising a workshop on Chocolates, Cakes, Candles (Basic, Advance & Carving), La'masa, Murals, Paper Punching, Quilling & Tea Bag Folding, Spice and pulses Frame, Flowers (Fabric, Crystal, Beads, Sequence), Hot and Cold Ceramics, M-Seal and Paper Meche (Hand Molding, Sculpture, Egyptian Statue), Parchament Craft, Needle Work (Ribbon Embroidery & Imitation Jewelry) International Gift Wrapping, Wedding-trousseau packing, Tie-n-dye, Paintings (Warli, Madhubani, Decoupage, Black Mirror, Emboss, Fabric, Pot, Lepan work, Stain Glass, Nib and Sand), Decorative Shoe making, Washable Table Mats, Rubber Moulds, Ribbon Bows, Pot Designing, Screen and Block Printing, Aluminum and Jute Net basket and more. Call 93xxx for more details.
- Announcement in Hindustan Times, Bombay

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

    First time in India: Co-Moulded Caps!
- Ad for new Montex ballpen, on back of BEST bus, Bombay
(I don't know what co-moulded caps are).

Monday, August 21, 2006


-- Sinclairs Hotels and Transportation Ltd, located very appropriately on Free School Street. (Tip of the hat to Bilu.)

Saturday, August 19, 2006

i am so sentimental so please don't avoid me.

-- "about me" entry on Orkut

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Gas & Beyond

-- catchline of GAIL (India) Limited aka Gas Authority of India Limited.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Saturday, August 12, 2006

[post corrected]

Kodak, Fujifilm, Pepsi, Cock, Soda, Leman.

(in larger Devanagari font) Chhan Chhanaa Chhan Music Centre

-- Signboard of Akash Audio and Cold Drink Shop, somewhere between Uttarkashi and Gangotri
    REMOVE OUTER PACKING BEFORE CONSUMPTION
- Printed on plastic that is used to individually wrap Britannia Processed Cheddar cheese slices
("A glass of COW'S MILK in every slice").

Friday, August 11, 2006

    Ya malik kyon banaya motor banane wale ko?
    Ghar se beghar kar diya motor chalane wale ko.


    [Poor translation:
    Oh Master why did you make the car makers?
    You took car drivers from their homes and made them homeless.]


-Sticker on dashboard of taxi, Bombay.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

The best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

--by e-mail

Monday, July 17, 2006

Life is precious, dont give up, try once more, try us.

--ad for a 'suicide' clinic, sen at Kalighat Metro Station , Kolkata

Saturday, July 15, 2006

"Construction of new world temple of peace at Ayodhya and Jerusalem.

Swami xxxxyyyy , the 14th world vibration since 1987 .

NO EXTERMINATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION"

--seen at Park Street Metro Station

Monday, July 10, 2006

Determination of sex of foetus is punishable by law not practiced here.

-(sign at B. P. Poddar Hospital, Kolkata)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Monday, June 26, 2006

Please help us keep prices low by returning your carts.
- seen outside Walmart

Saturday, June 24, 2006

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-(Personal ads in the Sunday Telegraph Classifieds)

(Nothing here is a typo)

Spoken and written English classes during vaccation. Other courses available - Batik, veg curving, knitting ....

--poster on Lake Road

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tamer Lane

- (Road in Central Kolkata)
Chairman Polhemus crashed his gavel upon the table at 3:19 p.m., bringing the first meeting of the winter term to order. Professor Greenberg, standing with his back close to the epicenter of this thunderclap, was more than a little surprised!
-- Bulwer-Lytton nominee, from the Minutes of the Stanford University Faculty Senate Meeting

Saturday, June 17, 2006

STROM DRAIN
PIPE LINE IN PROGRESS

- On KMC "Work in progress" signboards on Southern Avenue
STOP

- Printed on items from Shoppers' Stop's underwear line

Friday, June 16, 2006

Cherish
Intimate your own look

- Signboard for beauty parlour on Hazra Road

Thursday, June 15, 2006

NO LOUD HORN SPECIALLY IN LATE NIGHTS
PLEASE BE KIND AS WE ARE IN DEEP SLEEP

- Notice posted on the gate of apartment complex on Hungerford Street

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

"cumming in a thetre near you"

-- often seen on Kolkata walls prior to film releases
"Congress hardens stand on DIC(K)"

- Headline in the Hindu during Kerala elections.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

before contacting customer care, please ensure computer is connected to power supply.

--HP computer manual
iPod Shuffle is not a biscuit. Please do not consume.

--manual for the iPod Shuffle

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

25. Who can apply on behalf of non-resident, minor, lunatic, idiot, and court of wards?

Section 160 of IT Act, 1961 provides that a non-resident, a minor, lunatic, idiot, and court of wards and such other persons may be represented through a Representative Assessee. In such cases, application for PAN will be made by the Representative Assessee.

--http://incometaxindia.gov.in/PAN/Overview.asp

Monday, June 05, 2006

"You are crackpot in the head?"

A friend says it a lot, I dont know where it originated.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Kiwi Toilet Cleaner
Buy One Gate One Free

- Notice pinned on a shelf in Arambagh Food Mart, Jodhpur Park
FRIGID CORPORATION
Avi Air Conditioners

- A shop near Dover Lane

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

Sign on a famous beauty parlor window:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother!!

Sign in a bar :
Those....drinking to forget... please pay in advance.

Seen on a bulletin board :
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :
We need your heads to run our business.

-- unverified origin, various sources
Hairport !!

-- a hair salon near Heathrow airport, UK
Sex Kittens: Single Cats Seeking Same

- found adorning the Barnes and Nobles store entrance shelf, yesterday
Kaatil Car !

--Aaj Tak Special report on the lack of safety features in Indian cars.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

WHY BE UGLY?

WE DO YOU WELL.

- (painted outside a Salon in Moulali)
What do you call a gay caveman with a massive hard-on?

A Homo-erectus.

- (heard in Bangalore)

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

The girl with the mirror please comes here...(mirror = specs)

You, meet me behind the class. (behind = after)

Sorry I am late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons ( muttons= goats)

This college strict u the worry not .... U get good marks, I the happy, tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry I the enjoy

No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police

Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...

All of you stand in a straight circle.

There is no wind in the balloon.

You, rotate the ground four times...

You, go and understand the tree...

You three of you stand together separately.

Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre

Both of u three get out of the class.

Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....

Take 5 cm wire of any length....

-(the curious language of Mr. Jeppiar, Chairman of Sathyabama Engineering college -- btw, he always speaks in English.)

Friday, May 26, 2006

"If con is the oppsite of pro..Congress is the opposite of Progress"

-(A gem from Abhishek Haldar)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Cholonto dhaatu
- heard at IIT Kanpur from Hall 5 jonota

(Progressive Rock, ie.)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Drinking Kills
Driving Skills.
- (Chennai Traffic Police )
Driving Rash
Leads to Crash.

- (Chennai Traffic Police)
but still u have good amarphous appel in ur photo

- (Seen on an Orkut scrapbook.)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny.
- (Fortune cookie philosophy)

Sunday, May 21, 2006

“SAMAD HOTEL – Guest Rooms Available”


- (At a crossing on Radhakrishan Salai, Chennai)

(You were expecting … ?)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Friday, May 19, 2006

DO NOT SIT ON STEPS. ALLOW OLD/ ILL PERSON AND CHILDREN TO TRAVEL ALONE.

- (Safety guideline for using escalator. Seen at Esplanade Metro Station.)
PEACH
Only liquid soap
Made from pure coconut oil

- (On a bottle of Fem Soft Gentle Soap)
Jaata obostha...oshomoy-ey maa hoyey gelum.

(In dire straits, have gained motherhood at wrong age)


- (Friend's sister, calling up home from Delhi after M.A. exams)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Oil pulling

- (standard board outside shops extracting edible oil, seen in Chennai)
Your satisfaction we do.

- (seen outside a supermarket in Chennai)
Gay Travels

-(seen in Chennai on Nungambakkam High Road)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Buy Mother Teresa momento here. Battery, film roll,...

-(sign outside a shop in Moulali)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

INOX
Clean hall
In your hands

- (Displayed on screen before the start of a film at Inox, Forum.)

Monday, May 01, 2006

Allow older pedestrians more time to cross the street. They are more likely to die as a result of a crash than younger pedestrians.

- (California Drivers Handbook. Innocuous?)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Show-case-e bhodrolok
Godown-e goonda

- (From political campaign poster pasted on a JU canteen wall.)
"Cars for Golf Green keep straight".

(Which is fine, except that it's at the neck of a T-junction.)

-(Lake Gardens Flyover, northern end)
Sova Restaurant
our only assets are comfort and sympathy

- (seen somewhere around bhowanipore)

Monday, April 24, 2006

1843
Gangman are
VERY UNITED
DRM mind it

-(political poster outside Kharagpur railway station)

Saturday, April 22, 2006

This snap.

- rock on baby

(the guy, btw, is New York Dolls' vocalist David Johansen)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

She turns me on.

- (A 48 year old man on why he prefers Mallika Sherawat to Aishwarya Rai(Radio City 91 F.M))

Monday, April 17, 2006

What's the secret of your energy? Do you have a big harem?

-(Reedy 50-ish desi gentleman to Rahul Ram, bass guitarist of Indian Ocean, at Los Altos, CA)

(response, after a pause: "I wish").

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Chicken
Hard/Matured,
Young and Cornish
Available

- (seen at a Bengali grocery in the Bay Area.)

Is it just me...?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Friday, April 14, 2006

Andhaker raatey ghorer koney nibrito bhalobasaa
oooh oooh aah aah aah
Aar Nei kono Bhasha

Thursday, April 13, 2006

“Mentors Coaching Academy – in persuit of excellence”
Long chase ahead.

(Southern Avenue opposite Nazrul Mancha)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

On the streets of Calcutta there are many types of vehicles: cars, buses and jeeves.

-- when asked to write a short note on a certain gentleman's gentleman, in a JU Dept. of English entrance exam
Diana is the goddess of haunting.

-- English Literature exam answerscript
"run d m c
i want to pee"
"pepe-choda" (papaya fucker)

- seen on the back of two seats in a kullu bus, in bengali no less

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Biyebaarir doi, Banglar koi;
Shobai kheye bole, bor-bou koi?

(A Classic Case of Death By Translation)


(Sales pitch for 'Dushtur Mishti Doi', sweet-yougurt flavoured candy)


--'candyman' on Route 234, Calcutta

Entering and playing by non-authorized persons is strictly prohibited.

- Notice posted at Gate No. 3, Jadavpur University.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Get the field out of the boys

The principyal iz oscillating in the coridyor

Myam myam, I want [to talk to] you
**Extremely stern look in return**

-Calcutta Boys' School folklore
Geek I: I fucked your theorem prover.

Geek II: Was it 3-SATisfying?

- CMU toilet

Monday, April 03, 2006

Pan & Birrih Shop

(Picture of said shop)

Safety Matches
Made in Sweden

- Seen on a T-shirt

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The way you laugh..
..It makes my heart flutter
but I choose not to fall for that Venus Flytrap.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Why can't my son answer the English deparment admission test in Bengali?

(insistent parent)

- heard at Presidency College, Kolkata
Is it absolutely necessary for my daughter to come for her admission test herself?

(asked by confused parent trying to submit admission form)

- heard at Presidency College, Kolkata
Where can I find the respective department?

(asked by confused parent trying to submit admission form)

- heard at Presidency College, Kolkata

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"Go see a shrimp!"

-helpful advice from a friend over MSN.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Aatyohatya.

Ekti Naarir joley jhapiye aatyohatyaar prayash.
....Jhopaaaaaaassssssshhhh.

(Post Modern Bengali Poetry)

- Heard in Lake Gardens.
1. A student's leave letter :
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
---------------------------------------------

2. A candidate's application :
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
---------------------------------------------

3. I.T.I., Bangalore:
An employee applied for leave as follows :
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave. "
---------------------------------------------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows :
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
---------------------------------------------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster :
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
---------------------------------------------

6. An incident of a leave letter :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
---------------------------------------------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster :
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day. "
---------------------------------------------

8. A covering note :
"I am enclosed herewith..."
---------------------------------------------

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept :
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
---------------------------------------------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave :
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
---------------------------------------------

11. Letter writing :
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
---------------------------------------------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding :
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."


(a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India)

- received by email

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Display on butcher's window:

Let me meat your needs.

- On an AIM matchbox
WHEN U ALREADY START READING THIS DONT STOP OR ELSE SUMTHIN BAD WILL HAPPEN ..... MY NAME IS TEDDY...I AM 7 YEARS OLD WITH BLONDE HAIR AND SCARY EYES. I HAVE NO NOSE OR EARS. I AM DEAD. IF U DO NOT SEND THIS TO 15PPL IN THE NEXT 5 MIN., I WILL APPEAR TONIGHT BY YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL YOU. THIS IS NO JOKE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U TONIGHT AT 10:22. SOMEONE WILL CALL U OR TALK TO U ONLINE AND SAY I LOVE YOU. DONT BREAK IT...

-- received on Yahoo! Messenger

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Meet the Fuckers

Fucking It Up For The Next 4 Years!

- Under a picture of Cheney, Rice and Bush

(On a T-shirt on sale in San Fransisco )

Credit: Expiring_Frog

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

For lovers who will leave no stones unturned!

Patthar ke Sanam!!!


Passionate Jewellery.

(Billboard for The Gold Factory)


--seen from the Dhakuria flyover.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Enquire inside for permanent positions

Available positions

TEMPS

-- seen at an employment agency in Ipswich, UK
You may commit nuisance here.

--seen outside a makeshift public urinal in Shillong

Monday, March 20, 2006

In society, ladies first
In plant , safety first

--seen at the BRPL plant in Bongaigaon, Assam
Welcome - Banging Area

--seen at the BRPL plant in Bongaigaon, Assam
It is fine to drive over Zebra Crossing when pedestrian is crossing.

--seen on a guideline from the Indian Motorways Department in a cab in Shillong
Sex Power Fail !!! Enquire Dr. XXX having 20 years experience

seen on a poster in Shillong
Drive Slowly - Someone is wetting for you at home

--seen on a highway in Assam

Saturday, March 18, 2006

On Emergency Milk Duty.

(cardboard sticker in front of a dirty white ambassador)

--seen on the E.M.Bypass.
The New My Shop

(English sub-title)
Allthing Aveluble!


(In large Bengali fonts in front of a stationery goods + paan-birir dokan )

- seen at Belghoria, in the North 24 Parganas

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Electricity theft is a crime. Do not be a hooker.

(Placards put up by the C.E.S.C.)

- seen all over Calcutta
WELL DRESS

S.T.D./ I.S.D./ Xerox

(Sign outside a shop)

-seen on Babubagan Lane, Kolkata
(front)

Do you know who I am...

(back)

G.O.D.

Biplab From G.O.D

(and in a corner near the hem of the kurta):

G.O.D. - Garden Of Death

(On a kurta with a hand painted typically Bangali rural scene with a cottage and a taal gachh and Flash Gordon.)

-seen in Kolkata

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Eat + Drink + Man + Woman ... followed by telephone number (available on request)

(sign)

- seen at Central Business District, Shanghai
"Absence & indecent behaviour ... will be taken action against"

(sign)

- seen at East Gate, Central Park, Salt Lake
No Smoking Penalty Rs. 200.

(Sign on Railway Station)

- seen at Tikiapara, West Bengal

Monday, March 13, 2006

New Masuca Parlour

Jobs related to Beauty done here.

( sign for all to behold)

- seen on Babubagan Lane, Kolkata
Chetla Foot Club

(Painted under a Hanuman shrine)


-seen in Chetla, Kolkata

"zehr hai ki pyaar hai tera chumma"

(Lyrics to a Bollywood number)

-heard all over India, circa 1995

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Eco-Stat-Maths.

Carrier-oriented course.

(Newspaper advertisement placed by Bhawanipur College, Kolkata)

-seen in The Telegraph, Calcutta

Friday, March 03, 2006

Staff only.

(Tacked on to the branch of a solitary tree)
- seen along the Kona expressway, West Bengal

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Tomake partei hobey, manob.

Tomake ghorar dim partei hobey.

(Yet again)

- why bother
It is far better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.

(an all-time classic from the Beatnik Baba)


- heard in La Martiniere, 8 years ago

People tell you to trust your gut feeling; until you realise that your gut has no feeling.

(more pearls of wisdom from the Beatnik Baba)

- does it matter?
The mind is like a drunken monkey. If you titillate it, it wants to get higher.

(by the Beatnik Baba)

- anywhere

Thursday, February 23, 2006

They are not dead...
They are alive for you in the gunpowder...LIKE BURNING STICKS!!!

(Promotional message for the recently-concluded JU Arts Faculty elections)
-seen inside Gate Number 4, Jadavpur University

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

There Is Something Black In The Yellow Lentil Soup.

(Book title under 'Indian Fiction')

-seen at Landmark, Lord Sinha Road.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Purple Turtle - every child needs one.

(written on a toy stand)
- seen in Landmark, Kolkata
Ivy League
Crèche and Kindergarden for children.

(self-explanatory)
--seen off the E.M.Bypass, between the Park Circus and Kasba connector

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Go gay the milky way.

(Advertising slogan for Marie biscuits)
-seen in various publications

Monday, February 13, 2006

-"How do you fit four Prime Ministers inside a car?"
-"Two in the front, two at the back."
-"How do you fit five Prime Ministers in the car?"
-"Two in front, two at the back, and Rajiv Gandhi in an ashtray."

(snippet of scathing wit from a lounging group of Our Country's Future)
--overheard at Forum, Elgin Road.
Octopus thrice a week.


(Bengali graffiti on outer wall of single-storey house)

--seen in side street off P.G.H.Shah Road

Saturday, February 11, 2006

-- "What do you call three cups of tea?"
-- "...?"
-- "Cha cha cha."

(One of Kanti's numerous random tea jokes)
heard over coffee at Monida's canteen, JU

Friday, February 10, 2006

EES EOUR TOOTHS STRONGAAR THAN MY FEEST???!!! *growlish background score*

(Exchange in a Calcutta tin-bus fight)

- heard near Deshapriya Park.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Trinamool, Padma phool.
Before election, beuatiful.
After election, April fool.

(Election related graffiti)
-seen off Gurusaday Road, Kolkata

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bankura sohorrey Booby asee-chey! Lach-lachi tey Rissi Kapur, dholla-dholi tey Dim-paull . Bisess akorsson! Bisess akorsson! Leddiss der jonno pissup er alada byabostha achchi!

(Translation: Bobby is coming to Bankura. Dirty dancing, Rishi Kapoor! Steamy sex, Dimple! Special atraction!!! Special attraction!!! There's a separate place for women to piss!)


(Movie promotional campaign)

-heard in Bankura

Sunday, February 05, 2006

...TMC candidate, Mamata Banerjee

Press this botom.

(Election-related Graffiti)

-seen near Rabindra Sarobar, Kolkata

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Aamir Khan coming in your town with rang de Basanti.

(Addendum to movie poster)

-seen all over Kolkata

Friday, January 27, 2006

Meri Dez

Flower Boutique
and
Property Law Consultants & Real Estate Agents

(Shopfront Hoarding)

- seen in Kolkata

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

...it is worse than fornicating with your mother 71 times.

(Segment from a religious sermon)
-Overheard on the way to O'Hare Airport, Chicago
"You have a folder marked 'Sania Mirza MMS'!"

"In anticipation."

(Conversation snippet)
- Heard in Bangalore

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Hottest little toy for women who want more... email me at orgasmtoy@gmail.com

(Words on a sticker pasted to the wall of a Metro rake)
- Seen in the Kolkata Metro
...we have an empty room. And when I say "room", I mean an object that satisfies all possible criteria in order to be considered a room...

(Conversation between a professor and a student)
- Heard at IIT, Kharagpur